Monday morning quarterbacking is a time-honored tradition in comp climbing. Many people today may not remember this, but years ago, competitive climbing was subject to public comment. Every aspect of the early competitions was subject to criticism from the chattering masses, from the format itself, to who the commentators are and what they say, to whether the climbers themselves were “allowed » to wear (for example, I remember a solid month of speeches). right around Lauren Lee’s skirt).
Even crazier? It worked. Someone would start a thread like, “Area holds are stupid!” » And by next week, there would no longer be any restricted area. Or someone might write, “Ivan Greene is such a jerk!” »And next week, Obe Carrion would be on the microphone instead.
The only thing that wasn’t up for debate was whether Daniel Woods or Alex Puccio would win. They always have.
For some, seeing climber in the Olympics is like seeing your nephew, who you still remember as a messy kid with ADHD, now standing before you as a strapping young man sporting a well-groomed mane of hair, he just graduated from a prestigious university and plans to do a summer internship at Goldman-Sachs. You barely recognize this little skittle-eating maniac.
We watched the Olympics on Peacock last week and I have to say I loved it. Climbing competition is a “real” sport, unlike break dancing or skateboarding. Climbing matured and arrived, and these were great Games to host: the first to achieve gender parity in all sports, as well as the first to feature a ménage à trois in the opening ceremony ( coincidence? I don’t think so).
But as great as the Olympic Climbing Games are, of course – me, being myself: an opinion maker; a hot taker; a big online loser for whom post hoc reviews are at least as fun as watching the competitions themselves – I have some thoughts on how to improve them. Without further ado:
Use a bowline
Watching the Olympics reminded me of one of the best decisions I ever made in my climbing career: tying myself with a bowline rather than a figure 8. I saved hours of my life by using a bowline, hours that would otherwise be spent unraveling a figure 8.
Unfortunately, some of those hours were taken away from me, as I watched each climber spend as much time trying to untie their welded knots as they did scaling the wall. I suspect the main part of the Olympics could be twice as fast simply by allowing athletes to use a bowline instead.
Climbing Caddies: AKA, Bring Your Own Belayer (BYOB)
Let me set the record straight. Do you work and train all your life as a professional climber only to show up in Paris and find yourself forced to be asked by a French hiker with an ATC? Unacceptable. First of all, it’s France. A French climber without Grigri is like an American without a weapon. They must be viewed with extreme skepticism and contempt.
Some of these poor climbers were also put on short ropes by approved insurers. Would some climbers have done better if they had not been sprayed by these hikers? Maybe… maybe not. But as the kids say, it’s not pretty.
By the way, I think all professional climbers should have their own professional insurers, like professional golfers have caddies. Not only for competitions, but also everywhere else. Sports courses. Gym workout. Stream Towers. Everywhere.
And when they’re not belaying, these climbing caddies do other useful things, like carry cushions and brushing holds. Remember that walrus-looking bastard who was Tiger Woods’ caddy? He somehow gained his own celebrity status and may have gotten some low-level sponsorship opportunities through his proximity to Tiger.
It is time that the very good insurers – the best in the world – are recognized for their contribution to the success of the biggest stars of our sport. Climbing hasn’t had a good professional belayer since Dave Yerian, but our sport needs to start highlighting these personalities and giving them the opportunity to be sponsored as well. “When I’m not belaying Margo Hayes, I’m drinking Athletic Greens and sitting on a Hello Tushy,” etc.
More medals
At the last Olympics we won a medal and we were told to be happy about it. (No one was happy about it.) These Olympics we had two medals and we expected them to be happy about it.
But once again, no one is happy about it!
What people seem to want is for there to be four medals: speed, lead, block and combined (lead + block). This makes a lot of sense, although I think if lead and block get their own medals, then the combination should go back to all three: speed, lead and block.
But I say, why stop there? There are 37 different medal events in swimming, but as far as I’m concerned, they’re all the same thing, which is why the same damn person always wins them. There’s no reason I see why escalation doesn’t do this. Nor are there at least 37 different medals. In fact, I won’t stop complaining until it does!
I think there should also be medals for crack climbing: one medal for each crack size, in one-inch increments. The butterfly equivalent of crack climbing, of course, is off-width. Can you imagine an event where a climber takes 45 minutes to climb a width of 45 feet? Imagine the close-ups of the sweaty faces of these climbers writhing in agony and pain for hours as they ascend a crack. Gold! And it would give climbing the unique designation of having both the fastest and slowest event in the Olympics, thereby cementing our sport’s total domination of the Olympics.
Get rid of block cheats
I’m tired of seeing parkour problems, coordination problems and slab problems. They’ve had their moment, but they’re starting to feel a little exhausted. Can we go back to gluing 4mm edges and bad pinches on a 45 degree wall please? The tours are for children. Make climbing difficult!
Make it sexier
I don’t understand. Every climbing gym I go to is filled with hot women in shorts and sexy shirtless bros with abs for days, but our Olympic athletes are forced to dress in Umbros like they’re playing ultimate frisbee for a fundraising at church?
The official competition climbing uniform must simply be a cap, and wearing it is optional. You don’t have to wear a shirt. And the only rule should be that your shorts should be at least two inches above your thigh circumferences.
I’ve seen a million lists about the sexiest athletes at the Olympics, and climbing hasn’t made any of them yet. But climbers have some of the sexiest bodies in the world. It’s a tragedy. Let the world see our warm, veiny forearms, the flesh of our thighs squeezed between our thigh-high boots and booty shorts, our chiseled prison abs. Make the world swoon for climbing.